I'm going to rape someone's good day.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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