im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
