Where did you get a picture of my penis
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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