The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
