I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
