why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
