I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
