we're chasing vodka with high fives
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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