it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
