I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
