So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize