Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
