Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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