I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
