you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
