Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
