I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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