it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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