Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
