I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
