I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
