i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This is classic penis vs brain.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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