you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
