You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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