Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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