Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
