you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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