I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
