I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
