peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
