So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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