you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
