I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
