You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just pee around me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
