Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
