dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
