Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
