Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
