now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
