I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
