drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
