i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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