You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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