you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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