sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
