its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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