my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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