my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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