Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
