I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
