I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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