Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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