I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
from now on my penis is your penis
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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