Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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