What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You pole danced in your parka.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
