After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
