peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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