I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I need to calm my uterus...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
