just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
