I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
