my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
