I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
