You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
