i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
