I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
