Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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