im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
